jesso | Several things most people don't know about me.

I'm scared to death of heights. Ok, that's not too much of a shock to people who know me, but it's true. I can't watch people climbing things without feeling extremely uncomfortable. I'm getting to where I can climb small stepladders, if I have something to hold on to, but nothing else. Ladders are right out. People don't beleive me when I tell them that this is an extreme, extreme fear, until they see me freak out watching someone climb a small stepladder or refuse to look over the side of a high bridge or declare my hatred of those stairs that are only horizontanl slats (you can see through them... ugh) or something. Strangely enough, I love roller coasters, because you're strapped in and it's safe, and I laugh like a crazy person while riding them.

I can't walk over grates. My parents make fun of me all the time for this one, and William even did, too. You know those grates on sidewalks and stuff? You can see down them, and see what's down there, and it's really creepy. I have to walk around them. edit 2/19/06: when I worked at B&N, there was a grate I had to pass by every time I went in, and it was so wide it took up most of the sidewalk. I would walk along the tiny strip of solid concrete rather than walk over that horrible grate. People gave me funny looks, but I didn't care.

I don't like drains, or most water fixtures in general, actually. When I'm showering, I can not turn my back on the drain or the shower head. I cannot stick my head in the sink to wet my hair, because it involves not facing either the drain and faucet or not facing the overflow hole in the back of the sink. I can't take a bubble bath in my parent's bath tub (though it hasn't been an issue in, oh, 10 years?) because there is a cover thing that's not aligned right and so there's a hole halfway up one of the "walls" of the tub. Etc, etc etc. I don't know why.

Speaking of bathroom fixtures, I don't like weird toilets. Ones with blue or green water used to really freak me out, but not as much anymore. I think that was because of a commercial I saw as a kid, where a toilet turned green and started yelling at this kid cause his mom didn't use the right brand of toilet cleaner... it really freaked me out. Airplane potties I avoid as much as I can (though I fly rarely). Porta-potties... ugh *shudder* scary AND gross.

Getting off the topic of bathroom fixtures, I am super-paranoid that I'm being watched. Watching The Truman Show didn't help. Now I'm sure there are not only people looking in my windows, but tiny cameras every where. I've more or less accepted it, and it's really weird. I find myself constantly wondering what "the people watching" think of me. I've decided it's sort of a social experiment... like, in the "real" world, things are very different, and they are seeing if I can accept a completely different set of social rules from what they know. I don't know what's different, but I'm thinking it's mostly one big thing, like etiquette or looks... like what I think is polite is really incredibly rude ("Can you believe she leaves the room to blow her nose!? How rude!") or vice versa ("Ha ha ha, she thinks the middle finger is an insult!"), or maybe people have different standards of beauty and fashion ("See, she has a predispostion towards kilts, and that's not what she's told is fashionable! It is human nature after all! Scientific proof that kilts are HOTTT!") or something like that. I dunno, maybe that's not the entire experiment. Maybe someday they will let me "out" (unlike the Truman show, I'm not in some special dome, just everyone I interact with is in on the whole thing) and see how I react to a completely different set of values/rules/whatever. But then again, this is all in my head, so I'll never find out, I guess.

I talk to myself. Yes, out loud. Well, I don't think I'm technically talking to myself... more to people I'm imagining are there. It's not like a crazy thing, it's almost a conscious thing. Like I'm saying things I really wanna say to people but never get a chance to, or when I'm in my car by myself I pretend there is a person in the passenger seat and I talk to them and tell them about myself or something that's going on. It's hard to describe. It's a good way to vent and get things out and figure things out, though, I guess.

I bite my nails. I hate it. I can't stop. It's a terrible habit, I know, but it's SO hard to stop. Edit 2/7/06: habit broken!

I've got one heckuva guilt complex. Seriously. I said something, on accident in third grade, and I still feel bad about it. I don't think I ever got a chance to apologize, and I feel terrible.

I am terribly insecure. I think that's self-explainatory. I just don't think I'm all that spectacular. As a result, I don't take compliments very well (I don't beleive them), and I'm very suseptible to guys flirting with me, because I'm flattered to think someone's interested in me. I recognize it now, so I can ingore myself when I start feeling flattered and I don't do something dumb like date a guy just because, when I don't really like him. edit 2/19/06: The implication here is that I have done this. I still kick myself for it, and feel guilty for it (see above about guilt complex) becuase I had to break up with him and it made him sad. Note that it's been a very long time since I've dated anyone. Hurrah for nearly-crippling insecurities!

I sleep wedged against the wall. I got into the habit when I had a bunk bed, because I was terrified of falling off (see above about my fear of heights) even though I don't move once I fall asleep. Now that I've gotten rid of the monster of a bed, I still sleep wedged up against a wall. I don't think I could *not* sleep without it. I think that's why I hate hotel beds; I'm more comfortable on a couch than a strange bed, because on a couch there's a wall, albiet a cushy one. It's very comfy against the wall, and I like it. edit 2/19/06: my current bed is a daybed-type thing, with a decorative thing across the back, so I can't reach the wall? So I wedge myself against that, and have worked out a very comfortable way of wedging my arm through the bars. I am a freak.

When I sleep on my side, the blanket has to be pulled up to my neck. If I'm on my back or belly, I don't care. But when I lie on my side, if the blanket isn't up against my neck, tucked all around (I've gotten really good at it), then I just can't be comfortable. I think it's from either being choked by a girl in third grade or watching a vampire movie when I was little, or both. Either way...

I HATE people touching my neck, especially the back of my neck. Besides the above reasons, I'm very ticklish. If I think someone is about to touch the back of my neck, I cringe and it makes me shudder. Unexpectedly tickling the back of my neck sometimes results in goosebumps on my arms or punches on yours.

Do not tickle me. You will likely get hurt. I hate being tickled. My dad got the bright idea to pin me down once, and I kneed him accidentally. edit 2/19/06: I did this to Justin a few months ago, too, only luckily my knee stopped *just* short of actually hurting him. Oops.

I am sort of scared of the dark. Not terrified, but my imagination definitely kicks in at night. There was a movie years ago, about some people in some place, and they had to stay in the light, and if, say, their flashlight went out and there were left in the dark? IT would get them. I've never seen the movie, thankfully, but that is sort of a fear. When I was a kid I had a similar fear... only it could move along shadows. So if my shadow connected with that space under the door, it could get my feet. And I always have to have my eyes closed if it's really dark, because it only attacks if I see it. That's why I don't look behind me when it's dark. What is it? I don't know. Not a monster or anything like that, or a madman or a vampire or anything tangible... it's just fear.

I am a sponge. I pick up habits, mannerisms, gestures, facial expressions, and manners of speech from people I hang out with or talk to a lot. Sometimes I'll say something and then think, "Oh wow, that was exactly how [insert friend here] would say that!" Some people have more of an effect on me than others, namely those with very distinctive mannerisms. For example, I still gesticulate like a girl I used to work with at B&N.

That's all I can think of for the time being. I'll prolly think of something else later.

edited for the second time on 9-25-04 at 3am
and again 2/7/06 & 2/19/06